REACHING OUT

As I introduced in my previous post, I am a little over halfway through a course intended to help me to make an eventual career shift. I have found the missions so far exciting, thought-provoking, and some others a little odd (with me wondering ‘How will doing this help?’). But overall, I am enjoying the process. Significantly, it is encouraging me, actually it is forcing me to question things about myself – my likes, dislikes, and my path to date in terms of my career and other related areas.

One of the earlier missions in the course was to actively search and reach out to people who may be already working in my fields of interest. This was to get a feel for their line of work and discover if it was something that I might want to investigate further.

Sounds pretty straightforward? Just throw out the emails and wait for a torrent of responses…

Well the universe and my thinking don’t work like that; would the people whom I contacted actually reply? Hadn’t they got better things to be doing than answering a random woman’s email? These were just two of my initial misgivings about the mission, but all of them pretty much centered on people not responding.

All in all, I was feeling fairly cynical about the process. But to help overcome the gremlins of doubt and pessimism, I decided to think along the following lines:

  1. WHO DID I WANT TO REACH OUT TO?

At this stage, the coaches encouraged us to not limit ourselves and our search for information and vitally, people.

This was perhaps a little easier said than done for someone who feels as though her brain is often a congealed mess of ideas. Therefore I started to do what I do best; I made a list. Lists ground me and provide a vital resemblance of structure for some of the messiness. Although they may not always inherently have ‘a point’ or ‘lead somewhere’, making a list of areas of interest allowed me to spill everything onto a page. It was a starting point.

For me, I found that my some of my core interests were in writing, mentoring/coaching and design. These, having been narrowed down from some of the earlier missions. Once I had done this, I now needed to focus on people – who was I aware of that worked in these areas?

The coaches recommended that this process best works like a hierarchy; at first consider reaching out to people already familiar to you, such as friends and family. These will hopefully be easy to contact and are much more likely to respond. Secondly, get in touch with people who you may have met already in a looser context, an acquaintance for instance or someone you know through a mutual friend. The third and final tier poses potentially more of a challenge. These may be people who you don’t know and it may be difficult to contact and interview; such as celebrities, experts in their field and so on.

  1.  WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO CONTACT PEOPLE?

So I had identified areas of interest, this was all well and good, but how do you go about ‘sourcing’ people (and their details)?

Simply? Research.

Initially, I contacted friends and acquaintances whom I knew were already doing work in these areas (and not necessarily in those highlighted above). I received a response from a few within a matter of hours. This bolstered my confidence and so I also started to reach out to more, including to a few of unknowns (such as authors, journalists and designers) having located their details mostly through their own professional websites. Other good methods included; LinkedIn and even other social media like Facebook.

My research led me down a number of avenues, some of which hit a dead end immediately. For instance, a writer/author that I admire did not provide contact details on her website. The only way to make contact was through her publisher and agent (understandable, when I imagine she receives many emails per day). After a little more research, I realised that perhaps this was one connection that should be put on the backburner, at least temporarily. It was something I could (and still will) go back to once I could put more energy and time into it.

Overall, I found that email was the best and perhaps most straightforward way for me to contact people. I was able to curate my correspondence in a way that showed a part of me in terms of my personality but also ensure that I had covered certain bases, such as making that important request – can I find out more about you and your work?

Some of the people I have got in touch with so far have emailed me back with answers to my questions, I have held Skype meetings, and I have even had some agree to meet in person.

  1. HOW DO I MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION?

There will be people who are too busy (or who may not wish) to reply and so may see your email and send it immediately to the trash. The odds are not necessarily in your favour; you may submit 20 emails and only receive a handful back. It’s a shame, but unfortunately a reality of the process.

However, the personalisation of that initial contact may cause people to stop and put the time together to reply, particularly higher up in the connecting hierarchy. A generic email with little grasp of the person or their work may elicit a response, but something that has been crafted for an individual may enable them to see part of the real you and thus lead to a better chance of a response.

So for this part, I considered carefully why was this person someone I wanted to reach out to in the first place? And what were they doing that resonated with me?

The idea of making a good impression was significant on a number of levels. People who are taking the time to get back to me offering their own nuggets of advice deserve to be met with someone who at least had a sense of purpose, and certainly not see a time-waster. So I ensured that I actually had something to say; what led them to their work, what mistakes did they make on the way and what advice would they offer to those looking to get into that field for instance.

Furthermore, I also ensured that I followed up with the contact shortly after the event. This is not only polite but it also allows a dialogue channel to open up and possibly remain open.

  1. ENJOY THE PROCESS

Perhaps one of the most important aspects of reaching out, is to keep reminding myself to enjoy the process. Enjoy meeting new people especially if they work in something that fires up your imagination. And also enjoy the changes that you witness in yourself and others as they make their own career change.

Yes, there are going to be moments of frustration, such as when someone fails to get back to you, or you leave a conversation experiencing a sinking feeling that makes you realise that their line of work is after all not something you wish to pursue. But that is all part of the journey.

My two gremlins named doubt and pessimism still raise their heads every so often; their voices certainly are a little louder when I am tired or feeling fed up, despite receiving some feedback from some amazing sources.

It was a fluke!

Why are you doing this? Isn’t life easier as it is?

And so on.

But when I remind them that part of the shift process is that it’s meant to be fun, it shuts them up fast. As those gremlins are far too serious to understand the idea of fun.

AUDREY: I CHECKED MY BOYFRIEND’S PHONE AND FOUND HE HAS CHEATED – WHAT DO I DO?

Dear Audrey,

For some time now I have had some suspicions about my boyfriend’s behaviour and recently I discovered that he has been sending and receiving explicit messages from a woman we both used to work with.

There have been red flags in the past about the woman in question. When she still worked at the company, she would often turn up ‘just to chat’ with him, and this often involved some obvious flirting between them and non-existent concealment of the fact from her. This was despite the fact that she knew that we were an item.

At the time when I told him of my discomfort, he argued that his relationship with her was purely professional and it was nothing to worry about. The flirting always continued and there were even times he would rub in the fact that she was clearly into him by saying how attractive she was and how much they had in common. This upset me a lot.

When she eventually left the company, pleased was an understatement. I was elated. As far as I knew, with her gone she was out of his mind.

The first I realised that they were still in touch was over Facebook; she started to ‘like’ some of his posts, which soon turned into comments. Initially I didn’t say anything, I was being silly, paranoid even, well that is what I told myself. But when she made some provocative comment about a post he made, resulting in days of toing and froing between them in clear sight, (including lots of frankly suspicious emoticon useage) I told him again that I felt uncomfortable. He dismissed my concerns saying that I was being silly.

Then everything went quiet on the social media front and life carried on for almost a year, until I checked his phone. Since the radio silence between them publicly I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something else happening behind the scenes. On the day in question, I strangely felt compelled to do it without really any prior warning or justification for doing so. 

The messages had started casually enough and then after a few months they had grown explicit and conspiratory, the most recent ones talked of a desire to be together and also included exchanges of photos in their underwear and even less.

As I went through them I felt my heart being broken and then the pieces stamped on. Now I don’t know what to do. If I tell him that I’ve seen them, then he knows that I have been through his phone and he might end things with me. If I don’t say anything, I think I might go crazy but I don’t want to lose him.

What should I do?

From,

Heartbroken

 

Dear Heartbroken,

Your instinct was telling you something all along. Although instinct is not a complete science, it does help to listen to it.

That being said, you found concrete evidence for your boyfriend’s cheating. There must be a part of you that feels vindicated, even if just a little bit. You were right all along. But knowing that doesn’t make your situation any easier or absolve the upset you feel.

What is interesting is where the blame appears to lie in your eyes: towards the other woman.

The blame is firmly placed on her and you paint your boyfriend as someone with no decision-making powers of his own, as though he was flapping his arms in the wind as she made her move. And as the saying goes, it takes two to tango and certainly to type text messages.

The relative contradictions that modern technology provides; an inherent ability to distance ourselves from other human beings, yet we feel able to plot and conspire, and also send explicit images to people we may feel like we wouldn’t usually share a bus seat with. But that’s beside the point, you are hurt from your boyfriend going behind your back and continuing a version of a relationship with someone who you feel threatened by. As it’s the relationship with the other woman that is the crux of the matter and his inability to leave it alone.

So remember that your boyfriend played as much a part in this merry sexting and general bad behaviour dance as your ex-colleague, if not more so.

Perhaps she did pursue him? And actually right in front of you. But did he make it clear that he was otherwise coupled up?

He appears to have had very little respect for your feelings, fuck, he bulldozed over your continued concerns with a truck and then told you that you were crazy for questioning his commitment.

These are signs of someone desperately living in denial with a capital D. Some people have the ability to tell themselves certain information until they believe it to be true. Any information to the contrary is seen as false and the deliverer of that information as hostile. Your boyfriend is protecting himself first and foremost in how he responded to your concerns. After all, self-preservation is a natural human survival strategy.

You are unsure as to whether to say anything to him about what you have unearthed – it seems like he may have already made a decision for you. He is talking of leaving you. I can’t say how serious he is with that, but assume he is. How does that make you feel?

I imagine pretty shitty.

You end your letter pacing between two scenarios; admit that you’ve been checking his phone and discovered his infidelity, or bury the issue and try to pretend that you haven’t seen what you’ve seen.

But therein lies the problem, you cannot unsee what you have seen. It has been burned into your consciousness.

And would you want to?

If you hadn’t checked his phone, perhaps you would have found him out somewhere down the line, that is unless he had already upped and left to be with the other woman. Perhaps their messages are just a simple fun activity in his mind and he has absolutely no intention of leaving you. It just passes the time.

Perhaps you confront him, force him to admit his plans and cheating ways – as let’s not forget, there is room for interpretation from individual parties when it comes to cheating via phone/internet and so on.

FYI – I am firmly in the camp of ‘HELL YEAH IT IS!’ if plans are afoot for a coupling and graphic images being sent.

What happens then?

He may fire a number of things back at you; you broke his trust for checking his phone or you never trusted him in the first place. In effect, he may spin things around. Or he might not and in fact beg for your forgiveness and admit he made a mistake.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…

Or perhaps I wonder if you are living in a world of denial yourself (with a smaller, quieter ‘d’), pretending that a relationship was right for you that was wrong on some levels, inasmuch as his inability to see some of the discomfort and pain you experienced when you expressed yourself about his relationship with the other woman. That to me, says more about the state of his feelings towards your relationship than the act of texting the other woman does. 

By not allowing yourself to face the fact that you have experienced something painful and by not telling a partner that you feel seriously hurt, you have already shut down a part of yourself emotionally. You are in effect being blinded by denial.

So do yourself a favour, allow yourself to be vulnerable and confront those demons that are holding you and your current relationship to ransom. Honesty may not bring the answers that you seek or necessarily want, but don’t allow yourself to shy away from owning your emotions either and also standing up for them.

Audrey

THE COSTS OF AVOIDANCE

I like avoiding stuff.

Difficult stuff, like about what things hurt and upset me. For instance I love to avoid those conversations that you know are going to be tough, but sometimes need to be had, whether it is with yourself or someone else.

I tend to put a smile on things in public, feign happiness and acceptance. But then who doesn’t?

Over a year ago I felt deeply let down by one of my closest friends. Instead of addressing my upset with her about how I had felt treated, what did I do?

I bitched and moaned about her to mostly mutual friends and even some people I didn’t even know that well. I was left (and still am) feeling incredibly guilty, as I had opened up a fragile part of our friendship into the public sphere and permitted others to comment and pass judgement.

But my reason for not speaking to her directly was simple. I didn’t want the confrontation because of the potential explosion that it could cause. So I tried my hardest to avoid it all costs, despite deepening the scars associated with the issue for me. It seemed easier to brush things under the carpet than face them.

Another common avoidance strategy I have is related to my family. Growing up I often felt quite removed from my parents. We clashed over values and how we related to one another, and in turn how love was expressed. Mostly we were a unit of familiarity, which consisted of us getting on with our daily lives, only coming together for dinner and sometimes at weekends for rare trips out. Love was not something easily given and expressed. I knew I was loved, but there were many times when it felt like the love was held at arm’s length or it came with conditions. 

I know that I am being unduly hard on my parents. At times I was challenging, spiteful, I questioned their authority on many unnecessary occasions causing upset not just for me but also between them. Many times I was frankly irritating. So no wonder they wanted to avoid dealing with me. But I found it so difficult to express myself that I turned inward and to writing.

SAFETY NET

I can rationalise my preference for avoidance; it’s a self-preservation thing. If you avoid doing something in the first place, then you won’t be disappointed or you won’t disappoint others. It keeps things safe. It keeps you safe.

But always trying to stay ‘safe’ isn’t always the best way to live.

When I made the decision to move abroad for work, my mother’s first reaction was, ‘Why would you want to do that?’

It has taken her nearly four years and finally a visit to the country that I now call home for her to realise that by staying in the UK, (working and living where I did) was probably the biggest avoidance strategy I could ever make – I was avoiding living my life.

I was living in the shadow of what I thought I was expected to be. The same shadow prevented me from questioning the status quo. I avoided taking my degree choice seriously as it was easier not to, so I opted for something that I thought would bring me success, whatever I believed that was at the time, but it only made me poorer for it (financially but also creatively). I avoided asking myself what I wanted out of a relationship before finding myself a few years into two separate romantic relationships during my twenties and early thirties, before it dawned on me how unhappy I was. And throughout it all I avoided finding out what I am and what I can potentially be.

So I am about to challenge some of the status quo a little more and for the first time in ten years I am going on holiday, alone. I will be travelling without the aid of a friend or partner and only have my mobile phone as a support network.

Saying that I am nervous would be underestimating it.

Why am I doing this? That’s exactly what my mother commented when I told her. In fact anticipating her response, nearly led me to lie and tell her that I was going with Daniel or a friend. But then I would be heading down a well-trodden path right into another circle of avoidance.

I don’t want to keep hiding in the shadows forever, I said to her. And I meant it. 

LONG-DISTANCE LOVE

I’m early. I am also nervous and I can feel the butterflies gathering in my stomach.

We had swapped numbers two days before and agreed on a meeting point. You didn’t know the area and so I had made a few suggestions. As I walked across the park I could see a figure standing towards one of the fences that circled the perimeter. I knew it was you, the obvious signaller being that you were the only person in the area on what was a fiercely hot day. You were stood under the shade of a tree wearing a plain black T-shirt and blue jeans, your hands deep in your pockets. I would later come to realise that this was your signature outfit. As I approach I recognise the huge smile and know immediately that with whatever happened on what would be our first date, it would certainly be memorable…

… And after what was a successful first date, Daniel* and I said that we’d really like to see one another again.

Excellent! The idea made us both very happy indeed.

But there was a catch. We lived in different countries… and he was heading back that very afternoon. Damn.

LOVE OR BUST

OV26AOMUMI

I am now in my second long-distance relationship; the first having ended partly due to massive differences in opinion about fidelity and trust, and ultimately the distance just exacerbated the problems. So when Daniel and I said that we’d like to see more of one another, we both knew that it was going to add a few extra hurdles to our fledging relationship. Certainly, I wanted to ensure that I had a fresh perspective, that I wasn’t going to bring some of the negativity to the table from my previous experience.

In the first few months, both Daniel and I were struck by how many people we knew were involved in or had been involved in a long-distance romantic relationship (LDRR) at some point. He himself having been involved in two since leaving university. Research published in 2013 found that up to 3 million married US couples were in a LDRR (Jiang and Hancock, 2013). The researchers also found that the area is largely unexplored indicating that this figure could actually be far higher.

Certainly in an international globalised context one that enables greater mobility, the notion that a LDRR is odd, unfavourable and simply a bad idea compared to a geographically close relationship doesn’t have quite the same negative connotations as in years past.

The researchers in the above study also cited that couples engaged in a LDRR were more likely to have a stronger bond with their partner due to the nature of the very thing keeping them apart. I know in my situation, Daniel and I have been keen in our periods of distance to make our communication meaningful and that we are present for it, i.e., we make the time. 

So how do you know if it is all worth it?

Ultimately it’s got to be a big yes to this question to make the sort of commitment where you may not see one another for months at a time and only converse using mediums such as Skype and Whatsapp. Therefore I hope in this post to acknowledge the crap bits but also try to highlight some of the positives of being in a LDRR.

COMMUNICATION

In any relationship communication is pretty crucial, but in one where you have to face the maze of confusion and head-fuck that is social media/internet/Skype and so on it can lead to massive miscommunication.

Some couples like to speak every single day and if this works that’s great, but most of the time, do any of us have a huge amount to say aside from things that are work related and what you ate for breakfast?

Forcing communication can lead to resentment on both sides of the relationship, as one partner may feel that they are putting more in than the other. Therefore some timeout enables you to do your own thing without feeling too concerned about what the other person is up to or feeling a sense of guilt about doing it too.

Daniel and I do text each day and we generally tend to chat once or possibly twice a week. A ‘system’ that seems to function well and suits both of us for now.

In my previous relationship we had both decided to make a go of it when we moved abroad separately for work. However when it came to getting in touch during the week, I was often the one who suggested times to chat and when we could try and arrange to see one another. So my ex wasn’t particularly organised, I know that is more of a personality trait more than his willingness to make the relationship work, but at the same time I found that I started to resent him for not making more of an effort. It was when I stopped pushing for time together that I realised how much I put in.

DO YOUR THING

For some people, the LDRR is almost the perfect scenario, you can have the confidence of knowing that you are committed to your lady/man love but also have certain freedoms away from it. I know some other long-distance couples who use the time apart to date other people (not my preference but this can work for some – whether the other person knows or not is another matter). In other cases people use the solo time to pursue a huge array of interests and hobbies.

Time apart is healthy, you just have (far) more of it in a long-distance relationship.

LOOK FORWARD TOGETHER

A friend of mine had long desired to work abroad and had repeatedly asked his employers about working in one of their other offices on the other side of the world. For years they kept promising him the opportunity and eventually they agreed when a position came up in SE Asia.

Wonderful, he thought!

However when the dates were finalised they told him he would be expected to move shortly after his wedding. This didn’t go terribly well with his fiance. It even meant postponing their honeymoon.

He and his now wife made the situation work to their advantage as best as they could. Whilst she remained in the UK, he moved to SE Asia where he was able to fulfill his dream of working abroad for the year. And it also gave them plenty of opportunities to travel in the region during their holidays together.

To have things to look forward to together gives you something to work towards, to get excited about!

THE END GAME

CVG5CHT04F

My friend from earlier knew that the contract in SE Asia was only to be for one year. This enabled him and his wife to plan appropriately, and importantly have something to look forward to: his homecoming and also to organise times to meet in between.

In my case, it’s not quite as straightforward. Daniel and I met whilst we were both on holiday and although the mileage apart isn’t vast, we are living in different countries, have time-zones and have our lives already established in our respective cities. Ok, so actually it does seem vast after all…

… Anyway, it has meant so far that we have had to negotiate our schedules to make time to see one another. It’s not a simple case of organising dinner or an evening somewhere and saying ‘Meet you there!’

Planning is pretty important as additional effort is required.

So what makes it all worth the additional effort?

Love in any type of relationship is a test of faith. That makes it sound pretty dramatic but for any relationship to work and to flourish, you have to put your trust in something that you can’t be 100% sure is going to work out. 

The LDRR is compounded by distance, the potential fallout from miscommunication and the sense that you’re relationship at points is in a state of limbo.

Does that mean that the LDRR isn’t worth it?

Definitely not.

References:

  • L. Crystal Jiang, Jeffrey T. Hancock. Absence Makes the Communication Grow Fonder: Geographic Separation, Interpersonal Media, and Intimacy in Dating Relationships. Journal of Communication, 2013; 63 (3): 556 DOI: 10.1111/jcom.12029

SPARKS

So I have sat down to write.

I have no formal plans (i.e., I am definitely not at work today), no social engagements, nothing that could and should distract me. I have even turned off the internet so that I don’t feel the urge to check Facebook, the news or my email. Yet, after an hour or so I am tinkering with the structure of sentences rather than actually writing anything new; flicking between ideas for some blog posts and then a couple of other fiction pieces.

In effect, I am procrastinating.

I don’t want this to happen. I want to be productive.

I have lots of things that I want to be doing. I want to complete the plan for a story idea that I have. I want to make a proper start on the story that I had months ago that I have completed a plan for.

I don’t want to be sitting here wasting time.

I feel a familiar sense of frustration bubble away inside of me, but the bubbling never reaches boiling point. Time to write and to be with your thoughts is so precious that I want to make the most of it, savour every little second.

I get up and make a drink, perhaps that will help. I wait for the kettle to boil and wipe around the kitchen surface, noticing specks of dust. I should really give the kitchen a thorough clean. One where each room is disemboweled of objects and scrubbed clean of dirt and grime. I have all the cleaning products ready to go… then the kettle boils and I tell myself to sit at the desk.

It’s as though the ideas could burst out of me sometimes, and I cannot write fast enough or for long enough. It’s these times that I try and focus upon when I’m struggling, praying for a window of inspiration.

But then writing isn’t always about the inspiration, those sparks; instead, it’s reminding yourself that you are letting yourself be one with the words forming in your mind. The images conjured need to be instructed to pause for a moment so that they become clearer, tangible.

The sentences, the grammar don’t always make a whole heap of sense at first, certainly not to others if they were to read them. More often than I wish, sentences are left dangling in mid-air, unfinished or not started. But I can’t bring myself to hit delete, in case they form something more coherent later on, so I hit return and push them further down the page out of sight. For now.

Sometimes when a spark does strike and I am writing fast and loose, I find that a part of my mind wants me to become distracted. It dares me to stop, to check my email or just to take a break. Because doing this, listening to that part of myself, the doubt, allows the insecurities that I have about what I want to say take precedence.

I sit back and allow myself to daydream and for my mind to wander, the cooling tea in my hands.

The sparks will come, I know it. I’m ready for them.

FRIENDSHIP 101

Ten years ago I started a new job and subsequently met a new circle of friends. Out of what was potentially a large group of people there was a small handful that I became close to and one of whom I clicked with immediately.

Caroline was beautiful, vivacious and generous. She exuded a confidence that I equally adored and envied. We would often find ourselves eating lunch at the same time and would regularly bump into one another in the office corridors. After a few weeks of these stop start meetings, she suggested a drink one day after work, to which I quickly accepted.  

It turned out Caroline and I had much in common; similar-ish backgrounds and upbringing, we were both passionate about the work we did whilst trying to maintain a healthy work-life balance. This initial drink in a pub quickly became a regular event usually after a pre-drink game of tennis or badminton at the local gym.

As we got to know one another I learnt that Caroline wasn’t happy in her relationship. She had been with Pete for years and she felt that the relationship had run its course. Pete had been out of work for some time and despite doing some odd jobs, in her opinion he hadn’t been active enough to get something more permanent. Aside from the financial aspects of supporting a partner out of work, she felt as though she was doing all of the giving emotionally also.

This last aspect resonated with me. At this time I was also in a relationship with someone whom was emotionally distant and maintained a hard exterior even when we were alone. Of course when we met and in the early stages of dating, this aloofness I believed was the sign of a confident character. Perhaps it was an unconscious desire on my part for someone who emulated my father… but that’s a whole other story and for a different post.

This mutual unhappiness in our relationships meant that Caroline and I bonded even more and whilst she jumped straight into dating following her breakup, I stepped back to give myself some time to reflect. Whilst I licked my wounds, I watched as Caroline went from date to date. In her words, she was making up for lost time. She would regale to me tales of her dating exploits and in a strange voyeuristic way I relished hearing about them all despite a certain degree of jealousy on my part. How could I be as comfortable as her with getting ‘back out there’ I wanted to know.

One of her longest relationships during this time was with an engaged man. She fell head over heels in love with him, jumping when he text/called, cherishing any time that they had together. Their affair continued well into when he married, she believed that somehow and with time he would realise the error of his ways and leave his wife to be with her.

However as time went by and it looked increasingly certain that the possibility of him leaving his wife was looking slimmer; his interest having waned, Caroline’s behaviour became erratic. He was all she spoke about and she admitted to texting him throughout the day and night, it was when it transpired that she had been turning up at his work that a mutual friend called an intervention. However despite this, Caroline couldn’t ‘see’ her behaviour for what it was. She was wrapped up in the drama of the relationship and the situation, something she admitted to.

And I am sorry to say at this point but I stepped back. When Caroline needed support and friendship, I found that I couldn’t give it to her. The simple and somewhat selfish fact was that I was worn down by her. The friendship and whirlwind that she embodied had become so twisted that I had begun to resent her. The final straw was when on a night out she seduced one of my oldest and dearest friends and after a few months together unceremoniously dumped him when the married man came back on the scene. She obviously wasn’t ready to move on.

Caroline and I are still in contact, albeit sporadically. We have never spoken about why our friendship fractured, perhaps things would have been different if we had – would we still be friends? Or is it easier this way? To have a type of friendship where we hold back part of ourselves to protect the other. Nevertheless, ultimately our lives have taken us in different directions and to different countries. She was one of the best friends I have ever had, but one of the hardest lessons I learnt is that although great friends are hard to come by, some people join us for the ride for longer than others.

They may be ‘just right’ for a period of time in your life.

  • Names have been changed

MOVING ON

A little over three months ago I ended a relationship.

There were a number of reasons why the relationship broke down; his infidelity leading to a lack of trust on my part, my obsessive tendencies/insecurities that resulted in criticism and judgement towards him and the relationship (and for him, one of the reasons why he strayed), and ultimately me realising that I saw different things in our futures. Breaking up was, as the saying goes, hard to do.

I had been with Harry* for just shy of four and a half years but I guess the hardest thing to overcome following the breakup was that throughout our relationship he was my best friend. I felt, in a cliche way that I had lost a part of myself.

Do I regret the decision of ending things?

I would be lying if there hadn’t been moments, jolts where I felt like I had made the wrong decision. But regret? No.

Sure, I’ve felt (and have moments where I feel) sad certainly if something reminds me of him or times together.

One of my close friends asked me recently how I might feel if I discovered that he was dating someone new, would I feel jealous? My response – yes to an extent. Perhaps because I have dipped my feet into dating again and see that there is life after a breakup, or the fact that I was the one who instigated the breakup, I feel as though I could accept the news and it not strike my core. I can now look back at our relationship with a fresh and healthier perspective and look positively towards the future.
* The name has been changed.

** Originally posted on ‘The Sum of Our Parts’ blog by the same author.